Well, I dont quite have the words or head for this post at the moment so this is just a short acknowledgement of the tragedy that we all went through since the last post on this blog.
In one of my last posts i wrote that I wish i could freeze time at that moment, and that couldn’t be more true now since that was written before PaPa passed away and freezing time would mean he would still be with us :(.
I am sitting next to Sophie as she is eating yogurt and watching Ipad so I am definitely in no position to be writing a post from the heart (aka bawling my eyes out) at this time. It is difficult trying to balance your emotions with your kids who are too young to need to know a sadness of this magnitude. Thankfully, they typically keep you so busy with their wants and needs that the focus is mostly off of you and your wants and needs (at least in my situation).
When we heard PaPa passed away, I didnt even think of how or when I would tell Sophie. I just said it. Sophie is pretty unique when it comes to these types of situations and we have already spoken about death before so it really just didnt even occur to me to wait and think about how to tell her. I guess I was right because she just looked at me and said “That’s Ok momma because he is still with us in our hearts. Plus we have pictures and memories of him so we won’t forget him”. I was like wow, why can’t i be as cool as you?! She is just so very special. Ugh. I thought that maybe this was her initial reaction and she would want to talk about it more later but she has maintained this ever since she first found out and the only new thing that she added was, “I told him to quit eating candy”.
Sophie then told Sabs. She said, “Sabs, Papa died”. For the next week Sabs walked around the house saying “PaPa died” randomly over and over. It felt like we were on some twisted sitcom and really none of us could help but laugh so it lightened the mood at least. Kids and our odd family.
I try to focus on the fact that PaPa was in really poor health and the life he would have been living was not how he wanted to live. I’m going to have to keep it at that in this post right now because anything more will have me a blubbering mess.
We all traveled to NY for the services and Will and I decided that we would keep focusing on the positive for the kiddos so their trip wasn’t filled with too much sorrow. I had moments throughout, (and I still do), that Sophie sees me crying and she will just tell me to remember that he is in my heart.
Overall, we managed to keep it as light as possible and mix in some celebrations with the sadness. We told Sophie that the services for PaPa were to celebrate the life that he had and our time with him. I also warned her not to run in dancing (aka celebration for a 5yr old) because other people might celebrate differently and she said “ok well i’ll be quiet and if i see people crying i will tap their leg and tell them it’ll be alright”. She is too much.
Anyway, everyone handles these situations differently. For us and our family to celebrate his life and focus on the positive has worked best. We made sure to gear up for Halloween, take the kids swimming, sing in the car, play games, and cherish each day as Papa would have wanted us to. Life is too short and precious and his passing is a heart-wrenching reminder.
He will be missed so greatly that words can not describe. He was not only a PaPa and a daddy, he was a best friend. He was stubborn, lazy,quirky (this is a kind word for his numerous ocds), and a little out of his mind at times, but in the same hand, he was funny, honest, easy to talk to, warm, caring, and one of the biggest parts of my life to date. He was the phone call to start my day. He was the recap phone call to end my day. This is the time where i try to focus on his poor health and life quality…instead of checking my caller ID to see the last time his number appeared on my phone and wonder how long it will be and how many new phone calls later until that number doesn’t appear ever again. Gahh, too soon for much more in this post. I will write when I am not sitting next to Sophie and a bit more stable to put emotions on here. Plus Sophie is freaking out next to me because Will pissed her off in some video game they were playing together and she will not stop telling me about it while i write this. I won’t be proofreading this so apologies if it doesn’t make sense or grammatical issues, etc.
PaPa you were the best Dad i could ever hope for. I am so thankful for the relationship we had and the life you gave me. You were the greatest Papa to my children that I could ever imagine. Your love for them was so immense and you let that show every single day. Though we were miles away you were always so in tune with all of our lives and made sure to not let distance get in the way of your involvement. People never understood how I could talk to you so long and so many times in the day. They will never understand. I always will. You and I never looked for words, they were always there. Which is so crazy because as I am trying to wrap this up, I can’t seem to find the right words. I feel like I cant quantify in words the love and appreciation I had for you and our relationship. I’m just rambling on because i feel like i have more to say yet I dont know what i want to say. Sophie just informed me that she is still mad at dada…she is now telling me for the 100th time why she is mad at him (apparently he built a portal in their video game and it is driving her bonkers). Maybe that is where I will leave this because that is the exact story i would be telling you right now if you called (right about now is when you would typically do an evening call) and you would be completely entertained by it and then quickly follow it up with the ever so detailed description of what you ate that day. Ooooh i miss you and will miss you more than I could ever describe.